I Come Alive

The way you think about things has an enormous impact on what you do.

I knew that already, of course, but today I had an epiphany on an epic scale. It was the oddest experience. One second you’re happily cycling along, the next second your heart is thumping in your chest and your hands are shaking.

It’s like dropping a box of jigsaw pieces, and seeing the pieces land in a perfect picture.

Countdown to revelation

I was listening to one of Havi’s old teleclasses, where she explains a technique of unpacking the metaphors you use. Once you know the way you think, you can start tweaking it.

In the class, people explained their thought processes about money, and of course that set off all sorts of firecrackers in my head. Eventually, I thought to myself “OK, how does this work for me?”

“Hmm. Money is . . . necessary. Gives freedom. Is unpredictable, and I-”

And then I saw him. Clear as day.

This wiry, stern-faced man in a grey suit, arms crossed and with a set of keys in one hand.

“That f*cking Hierophant!”

(I don’t usually swear in writing, but I literally said that out loud on my bike, so I think I can repeat it here. Yes, out loud, in English, even though I’m Dutch.)

What’s he got do do with it?

I’m an inconsistent but fascinated Tarot reader. I love the artwork in the different decks, I love the rich layers of symbolism and the way the same cards yield a different story every time, depending on what detail catches your eye. There’s good and bad to every card, if you know where to look, and each problem carries its solution with it.

What I never loved, though, was card V: The Hierophant. He stands for an older, wiser figure who helps you with your worldly problems. He spent his life gathering wisdom, he knows truths and traditions and is now ready to pass them on. At least, if you believe the textbook definition.

At his worst, the Hierophant is the spiritual dictator who tells you your own beliefs are wrong, or the person who knows something that’s of vital importance to you and won’t tell you even if you ask, because you don’t measure up.

Yeah. Guess which interpretation I can’t see beyond.

And it’s true, I do look at money that way. Of course you can earn a lot of money, but only if you know the right passwords. And of course you only GET those passwords if you commit to not caring who you hurt in the process.

And I wish it was just the money.

It’s a capital-P Pattern

This guy is EVERYWHERE in my life. My entire life’s history is built upon me trying to figure out what magical combinations of actions would unlock people’s good will towards me, what it would take for people to be clear about their expectations of me. What actions would finally make it safe to be myself?

• I could never get my mother to stop screaming at me.
• I could never get my father to pay attention to me.
• I never understood why the kids in my school would beat me up at recess and then ask me to explain math homework to them.
• I never understood how other people could talk so easily while I was constantly confused and playing catch-up with all the social mores.
• I could never figure out what would please my teachers at school so they’d stop trying to get me to fail.

And even in more recent times, even though nobody would call me socially handicapped, the Hierophant influence is still there.

• The first years after I met my now-husband, his actions would be a complete mystery to me, and he just wouldn’t clarify. I wanted connection and affection, and it was completely unpredictable what he’d do.
• At my student’s association, I was always very happy to help. But as soon as I finished doing the thing that was clear-cut and just had to steer on my social radar, I started getting afraid I was going to be ‘found out.’
• I have huge problems with my boss at work, because he has the authority to approve or doom my PhD dissertation, but will not tell me what his expectations are.

I’m fine with not knowing everything. That’s not the point. Most things just don’t matter, you know?

But these areas, they’re important. Basic human needs of safety and connection, and every time I am outside in the cold with a storm fast approaching on the horizon. Between me and the safety of a strong and warm home there’s this guy who could easily let me in but won’t. Because I don’t know the secret handshake.

Upside down and inside out

I only ever resolved one of the situations I mention above by talking it through with the people involved. That’s why my now-husband is now my husband. However, many of these situations stopped occurring as I changed my perspective. Even the more sticky ones respond to what I’m thinking when I’m dealing with them.

Because, as was to be expected, the problem was the solution. I was looking at it upside down and inside out. I saw myself as in danger, so my first priority was to get to safety. Self-expression is a luxury to be indulged in after the sabre-toothed tiger stops chasing you, right?

Wrong.

I started being very clear that I have my own keys to my own strong and warm home, and that I only have to step out into the storm when I bloody well feel like it. I have my truths and traditions, and I started treating them as valuable even if other people didn’t.

Only when I started being a Hierophant in my own right did people stop treating me as a supplicant.

That poor Hierophant

I’ve done you wrong, poor archetype!

It’s one of those truisms, that the thing you hate is the thing you need. I dislike truisms, but this time it’s, well, true.

But I know what you look like now, pattern. I know which face of the Hierophant you use to try to get me scrambling for safety.

And I know the solution to a locked door: remember that I’ve got my own keys, and use them.

My mastermind group decided to exploit each other for more than support and cookies this year, so we each set some goals. We decided on half-year goals, three main priorities with some projects under each, basically taking a leaf out of Mark Silver’s book.

It took me some time, but I finally wrote down three lovely goals. You know, the kind that makes you go all tingly inside while not eliciting that annoying twinge of anxiety that means you’ve either overreached or left out something important. And I also made a list of little things to do each day to keep me sane and unstressed.

I was happy as a child when I showed my achievements to my mastermind group.

No, don’t do that!

So, colour me surprised when they didn’t really seem to like my goals very much. Especially my poor keep-me-sane list got a lot of flack. “Restrictive!” and “I get the heebeejeebies just looking at that!” And when I posted my three words for 2010, I again got this careful, worried nudge of “You know, I heard it’s not such a great idea to overplan the things you want with such detail.”

And the odd thing is, I’ve been loving my daily list. I have this little dayplanner in which I note the most important things I want to do this day and this week, and where I track how much of my daily list I’ve managed to finish.

More important than the tracking, though, is that it keeps the list fresh in my mind. I look at it several times a day, because I keep forgetting which actions I marked ‘most important.’ (Maybe this says something about the absolute importance of stuff going on in my life right now, but hey. )

And each time, I am reminded that I have some great relaxation techniques I could do RIGHT THEN, or maybe journal a little, or let off some steam physically. And sometimes I do, and sometimes I just don’t need it right then, but I sure am happy to have been reminded.

Keep the wrong ones out

So, why do the others think these daily activities are such a bad idea? Well, to be honest, I still don’t quite know. But I know that when I feel caged by my goals, I’ve put the wrong things on my list.

The things I think I ’should’ do. The things that are ‘good for me.’ The things everybody knows a person of my age/stage of life/strengths and weaknesses needs to be focusing on. In other words, the boring, awful, aargh-no-way stuff.

Of course these things never got done.

And since I was still beating myself up about everything I was NOT, that was torture.

And let the right ones in

This time, I went about it differently.

I picked the things on my daily list with three criteria: fun, immediately beneficial, and so easy my highly tuned boredom and resistance system doesn’t notice them.

Fun: I have things on there like journaling, jumping around for 5 minutes and taking time to meditate. Fun things! The kind of things that I actually WANT to do, even if I didn’t get paid for it.

(Oh wait, I don’t.)

Immediately beneficial: Delayed gratification may be all the rage among gurus, but I like a healty dose of immediate gratification. Doing a relaxation technique keeps me from having a burnout long term, but it gets me from anxiety scale 8 to 2 in only a few minutes. What’s not to like?

Flies under the resistance radar: Yes, exercising for an hour is better for you than exercising for 5 minutes. But exercising for 5 minutes every day is a lot better than resisting exercising for an hour every day. Escpecially when I’m enjoying my bouncing around so much that I keep doing it.

Basically, I’m reminding myself to eat candy. Sometimes, though, I still need some reminding.

Everything moves

The best thing is that these goals aren’t set in stone. You can try them on for size, and if they don’t work, no problem! You can tweak, replace, and drop them any time. The most important thing is to remember that you’re doing this because it helps you, and not for anyone else. There’s no sense in beating yourself up, or even beating yourself up for beating yourself up.

And besides, brushing your teeth doesn’t mean you’re overplanning your health, right?

I love a new year. I love the fresh start, even though there’s nothing objectively different between Jan 1st and Dec 31st. I love making plans, reflecting, dreaming. I love thinking about what GOOD things can happen, without being weighed down by the bad things that will also happen. I love that I get an entire year to play with.

So, of course I used to make New Year’s Resolutions. I used to write down ALL the things that I EVER wanted to do. And when I was done writing, I’d have this great list to look back on, put in a drawer and forget.

And when I’d find my list again, the resolutions that had seemed inevitable at the start of the year would’ve been reached anyway, and most of the other ones would’ve been dropped.

So, this year I’m not working with resolutions, but with a Theme.

I started brainstorming with Christine Kane’s Word of The Year Discovery Tool, and just at the moment I got stuck where I usually get stuck, in “What do you mean, pick ONE?!” land, Chris Brogan posted that he uses three words for a year!

Problem solved. My three words just jumped out at me.

My three words: Majestic, Crystalline, Goofball

Since words, especially abstract words, have a different meaning to different people, I’ll explain briefly what these say to me.

Majestic: I let myself be pushed aside. I add ‘unless you don’t want to’ to requests. I say ‘maybe I’m wrong, but’ when I make an observation. I let people trick me into feeling small and insignificant. This year, I am going to hold my ground. This year is all about practicing sovereignty, pride, balance and charisma.

Crystalline: I procrastinate on projects that are unclear or involve hostile conversations in the near future, and of course these are the projects that I really want or need to do. To make matters worse, I feel guilty about procrastinating, so I procrastinate more. The antidote for both overwhelm and hostility is clarity. Crystalline clarity. Crystalline is mindful, deliberate, effective. Crystalline is analytical, surgical and calm. This year, crystalline will remind me to look at the big picture, and take the time to find the right things to take action on.

Goofball: I could never be only majestic and crystalline. Just the thought cracks me up, actually. (Especially when I imagine the props that come with ‘majestic.’) So, to balance out all this seriousness and get myself out of my head and into my body, I give you goofball. Goofball will keep me from needing things to be perfect, will remind me to sing and dance and bounce around, and will enable one eyebrow to remain permanently arched.

Want your own words?

Saunter over to Christine Kane’s for a tool that gives some great brainstorming and insight questions.

Let Chris Brogan convince you of the need to use three words. While you’re there, take a look at his words for the past few years as well. Great demonstration of how different words speak to different people!

And if you’re in the mood to let yourself sink into a colourful oasis of planning and reflecting, take a look at the Create your Goddess Year Workbook, from the wonderfully woo-woo Goddess Leonie. I’m still looking forward to filling this one out!

Have a great 2010, everyone.